slowly

Mom is at my house. We have a hospital bed which really helps. My schedule revolves around her pain medicine. It seems that everyday requires more pain medicine more frequently. She's too weak now to get out of the bed and even a bed bath is exhausting.

I saw a friend from out of town yesterday that went thru the same things. He said that the one thing he wasn't prepared for was what came after his mothers death. After everything settled down, he realized that he had no parent. He broke up with his girlfriend, quit his job and felt lost. Even though she's still here, I feel lost. I'm grateful to still have her, but I feel the loss a little more everyday. There is less and less of my mothers spirit in that broken body. Maybe that's the way she needs to go. Slowly, so my brother and I...and her friends, have the time to tell her that we love her one more time and feel her love back.

She knows she's dying and it's breaking my heart.