sea change

So this is a hard time for many people and it resonates in me. The holidays are coming. I'm going thru my mothers mail..... and it feels like it will never end, this constant flow of things to address.

I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one to take care of things.

Right now I feel like a little kid in a riptide. I'm swimming, swimming, swimming and still getting pulled out. I know I'm supposed to relax, swim parallel to the shore, it will drop me out. But I'm feeling like I'm going under and I need to fight it. What in the world am I doing??

Grief is not new to me, but experiencing grief without my mother is new. We always had each other in the toughest times. She was always there for me. Now I feel a little lost...well that's not true.....I'm really lost. Thank God for my friends, they have all been amazing.

I'm seeking my level, my normal. I hope there is a sea change soon.

On a small day in October

While I still struggle with my mother's loss, this week set the Outer Banks reeling with the loss of "Steve the Dream" Thomas and Ron Mcknight. Both of these men passed away, one from cancer and one from a surfing accident. I knew both of them, not well, but we were friendly.

Ron I met in the water, on my surfboard. He was always kind to me, rooting me on when I actually caught a wave. Giving me encouragement and he was always positive. If he hadn't seen me in the water for a while, he would ask how I was. Interestingly enough, I don't think I ever saw him on 'land'. But in the lineup we would chat about his life and my life. I counted him as a friend.

Steve was a performer. But he was a sweetheart with a beautiful voice. I met him personally when he was studying voice under Ruth Wyand. He loved his children, he loved music, he loved surfing. He was always kind to me. They were both, always kind to me.

On the same day that Ron's friends paddled out to celebrate his life, Steve lost his in the water. It was a small day in the water in October....2 kind souls were called home.

'normal'

So you always think that when you get thru the crisis, people know your mother has passed away, it's time to move on, stop writing the blog and get "back to normal". We all know that "normal" is a relative term (especially for me). My life will never be "normal" again. It has changed and will change in ways I have yet to discover. Being so close to my mom was a blessing....and sometimes now feels like a curse. I miss her this morning. Not that I haven't missed her, but I really miss her this morning. There are so many things I need to tell her. And yes, I know she's here with me and I talk to her all the time......I just wish she would talk a little louder because I can only faintly hear her in my memory. Telling me how it sounds like 'right timing' and 'listen to your instincts, they are good' and 'one step at a time'.

I was never completely 'normal', she always encouraged me to live my own life my own way.

I wonder what 'normal' will be now.

Yikes

So today I picked up my mothers ashes.

It seemed so strange not to pick up the phone and call her.....to tell her that Linsey's boyfriend got that job in Baltimore and they are moving. That the sun was finally shining......to ask her advice on a million things. I immediately burst into tears in the car. It was a hard realization. I have to find my mother inside my head and heart. I can hear her voice and laugh. I need to find comfort in the fact that she still speaks to me thru everything she taught me over the years. I need to live confident in the fact that I am my mother's daughter. Those are big shoes to fill.

Yikes