sea change

So this is a hard time for many people and it resonates in me. The holidays are coming. I'm going thru my mothers mail..... and it feels like it will never end, this constant flow of things to address.

I'm supposed to be the strong one, the one to take care of things.

Right now I feel like a little kid in a riptide. I'm swimming, swimming, swimming and still getting pulled out. I know I'm supposed to relax, swim parallel to the shore, it will drop me out. But I'm feeling like I'm going under and I need to fight it. What in the world am I doing??

Grief is not new to me, but experiencing grief without my mother is new. We always had each other in the toughest times. She was always there for me. Now I feel a little lost...well that's not true.....I'm really lost. Thank God for my friends, they have all been amazing.

I'm seeking my level, my normal. I hope there is a sea change soon.