Pissed

So 2 years ago this week my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and I'm finally angry.
I have watched patients suffer from cancer. I have been with friends when they have died from cancer. I have watched co-workers struggle to help loved ones with cancer. I have watched cancer completely tear apart families and bankrupt people. I have watched hearts break from cancer.
I'm angry......I'm pissed.......I want to blame someone, something.......I want to break something.
My mother was diagnosed 2 years ago this week with cancer, and she was dead by September 26th. How is that possible? Why is it possible? What the hell are we doing?
Why are so many people made to suffer?
2 years later........I'm finally pissed......

Mercenary

I have been making plans to sell my mothers house in Wanchese. It is just a house, right? Financially, it has been difficult for me to maintain. I have been feeling the need to simplify my life. Everyone has different opinions for me...."keep it until the housing market comes back", "sell it now", "rent it", etc. I feel strongly at this point it is time to put it on the market.
So I have been making plans to sell my mothers house. Intellectually, I know what to do. Emotionally, I'm a mess. This little house, in this little community, was my mothers delight. She loved her house, she loved her neighbors, she loved her community of Wanchese. I loved that she lived there.
So I have been making plans to sell my mothers house. I'm the sentimental kind. I'm having a hard time detaching from the emotion of selling my mothers house. I miss her so much and this seems mercenary. Which reminds me of a Little Feat song.......we both loved that band......but I digress.
So I'm making plans to sell my mothers house. It makes me cry.  

angel

For some reason, I stopped writing this blog. It's not that I don't think about my mom everyday. It's not that I don't cry for her.

On exactly one year after my mothers death (September 26th 2011), the Redskins played the Cowboys. How fitting, I know she was watching. The Redskins lost, lol.

That morning Rockett, Dawn and I paddled out into the Pacific Ocean and put white roses in the ocean in her honor. Talita took pictures. Maybe one of those roses made it to Hawaii. She loved it there.

A little over a year after my mother passed away, we spread her ashes in the Atlantic Ocean, along with her beloved dog Ruth. Friends came and put flowers in the ocean while Victor and I took Momma Flora's and Ruth's ashes out. Friends came to the house and we ate, drank, played music and told Momma Flora stories. We sat on the deck on that beautiful night. Around midnight, we toasted her. As we raised our glasses and looked up towards heaven, a shooting star flashed overhead. It was a "made for movies" ending. She deserved that.

I've have now gone thru 2 sets of holidays without her....one surgery......one hurricane.....marriages........births......deaths.......a new hair cut.

Tonight I really miss her. I am an orphan. But I do have a new angel on my shoulder.